The Post-Brexit Diary

What will the UK look like the day after we leave the EU? Those sunlit uplands look like they have been delayed at customs.

The UK's very own 'very stable genius'

Day 1:

Prime Minister Johnson, who previously had not been able to successfully keep his marriages together, now presides over a unity government of all of his split personalities.

The war cabinet assembled, Sajid Javid asks whether they really should have bought it from IKEA and is immediately told to ‘go back to where you come from’ by Steve Bannon, who is now First Sea Lord.

Liz Truss gets angry about cheese and suggests that they should have bought British which prompts Dominic Grieve to shout that ‘British cabinets usually have too many screws loose’ as he is tied to a chair by some SPADs that no-one has ever seen before. Priti Patel slaps him and threatens to withhold his food.

Day 2:

House prices tumble after all the Europeans are deported and then go back up again after everyone realises no one knows how to maintain or build more of them.

The public complain that NHS 111 isn’t working and has been replaced by a service selling pestilence and famine insurance based out of Boston, Massachusetts.

Day 4:

UK farmers have voluntarily started burning their own livestock now that the French aren’t doing it for them. The government heavily subsidise the bonfires hoping that destroying what little food there is left will help foster a renewed spirit of the blitz much more quickly.

Day 8:

Jacob Rees Mogg has taken to raiding the now understaffed blood banks at night. His teeth fell out shortly after all the dentists were deported and he can no longer manage live victims.

Polio is back and ironically, runs rampant. It’s just like the good old days. Everyone is leaving their doors open as neighbourhoods are safer now that no one can manage the walk over the threshold and there’s nothing worth stealing anyway.

Day 10:

War is declared as the UK invades itself after outsourcing operations to France. The French government purchased the British Navy when the pound hit parity with the Zimbabwean dollar and renamed it EDF Marine UK S.A.

The WTO point out that their rules mean that the UK can’t give preferential treatment to itself and so has to declare war on everyone.

Generals believe that it will be a short war as the UK had already blockaded Dover and economically sanctioned itself so that it couldn’t trade with its neighbours after Brexit day, now about a week and a half ago.

Day 11:

The children of those that have chosen to remain in the cities are sent to families in the countryside by rail replacement bus service. The government insist this is to protect them from this thing that’s happening that they didn’t want and the regular bombing runs being conducting by the RAF, now called the USAF UK branch. The reality is that bombing is not being conducted over cities because the weapons were sold to Syria and the engineers who knew how to build them were deported. Hundreds and thousands of children now face the prospect of complaining about the lack of wifi in Cumbria while their host families tell them that universities are eroding traditional values.

Day 12:

The CEO of Sainsburys said on Newsnight that the UK has enough food to last 10 days if everyone immediately adopts the 1-9 diet devised by Rosemary Conley who now lives in Singapore.

Mark Francois is particularly elated as his minor role in the territorial army means a civil war is the only war he’s ever likely to fight in.

He wonders which side to fight and his thoughts turn to his Italian mother as he muses wittily, in no-one’s opinion but his own, that changing sides must run in his blood so it doesn’t really matter.

He wonders why his mother wasn’t deported but doesn’t know where she is. She had in fact left several weeks earlier when the tomatoes ran out. Eventually Mark Francois decides to go it alone, as the plucky underdog that he is, and unilaterally declares war on anyone whose surname doesn’t rhyme with ‘bunker’ because he can’t think of any other ditty epithets and never will again.

Day 20:

Garlic is the only edible foodstuff in the land. It remains uneaten.

Day 21:

The war is has reached a stalemate, the British Army have successfully captured Bristol but have also lost Bristol to the British Army. Field hospitals are set up but there is no-one qualified to run them.

Day __:

Numbers have been banned after Micheal Gove told the Prime Minister that they are Arabic. This has caused the Treasury to save and unknown amount of money having to reprint bank notes every few days with extra zeros on them.

Day __:

The use of the Latin alphabet has been made a capital offence on the days that Priti Patel says she is definitely in favour of the death penalty. The news was met with indifference as 90% of the population is now illiterate anyway after an American company took over comprehensive schooling and introduced picture books of God creating the world.

An alternative to Latin script has not yet been found but requests for a backstop have been described as undemocratic and tying the UK into an alphabet that it did not vote for. Nigel Farage has suggest cuneiform as a possibility without really knowing what it is.

A written statement has not been made by the government.

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